I know You called

“There are angels everywhere. Helping us as we continue our journey,” my dad once told me. Enrolling in very Catholic schools my whole life, discovering myself in college was not easy.

My spiritual journey started when I was in 4th grade. With a prayer mom, I was often in the church. It’s not rare finding myself inside the building. I was an introvert. I prefer staying and praying on my own. It’s quite clear, I heard him calling me in church in the Vocation Week. “Maybe I’ll be a nun after all,” I thought to myself.

Since then, I’ve been experiencing more unbelievable stories. When I was in 5th grade, right before the daily 12 p.m. prayer, I slipped and almost hit my head. In that split second, a hand with long white sleeve; supported by bright white background; held my hand and said “Kamu nggak papa?” — which means “are you okay?” in english.

Since little, I’ve been given this ability to sense and see those who are not meant to be seen. It is a lie if I say I have not witnessed God’s presence. Holy Marry showing in Malang, God accompanying me in my dreams, sometimes I deny them thinking that it’s only a coincidence. In my family, I was also the one given most advantage of talking to my long-gone family members in my dreams (especially my Oma).

I start to feel that God really chose me as my whole life, I’ve been quite blessed with luck. Everywhere I go, I always find someone who means a lot to me. My path becomes clear, He showed me all.

Entering high school, I’m still fond of the concept that God has my back. My way of living was “I’ll implement church, it’s okay if I’m not that active there.” However, trust me. He was the one who helped me pass my exams when I had panic attacks. He was the reason why I got accepted to ITB. Miracle exists. In my darkest day, he’s always there listening to whatever my rants are.

It’s time for me to make my own world; college. He trusted me with conscience as he trained me with one. Oh what have I done, I fell for men with different religion. I felt the pain, I cried and told him all of them. Just when I wonder why it hurt so much, the Father in that session of mass said “if it hurts, God is telling you that it’s wrong.”

I let go, but I fell again. It’s always those cries in masses. Every time I feel so, I always feel like someone is touching my head. For my goodness, I always think of it as God holding me. In my coldest breath, He’s always there. When I was scared of hospitals, Rosario helped me to calm down.

He listens. He helps. He thinks of me as his child. I was really lost in my 4th semester. At last, in my birthday soon (5th of September 2024), a mass by the Pope will be held in Indonesia. I won’t ignore it anymore. Lord, you’re really calling me aren’t you?

My vision are too vast, I’ve been ignoring it. I feel sinful as I really am. Make me stay and please help me shift away from mortal sins.

Your child,

Stevie